Raise your hand if you’re sick of all the crying. <sees all of AMERICA with hands up> Yup, that’s what I thought. I’m really hoping ABC starts providing candy jars of happy pills for the house because I just can’t take this!
It looks like ABC is starting a new trend and begins each episode right where we left off: picking up after the rose ceremony. Lucky for us, this means we get to see Melissa continue to rip Blake a new one.
This is her trying to be calm. Yikes.
She is making some valid points…if Blake only wants to use her as a strategical partner he needs to admit that. At the same time, I can’t necessarily blame Blake for not being completely honest with her. How many times have you seen the whole “I promise I won’t get mad, just tell me the truth” situation play out where the person ends up FREAKING OUT once they do hear the truth? Exactly. Melissa hasn’t proven that her emotions can be trusted which leaves Blake playing the game. And, wait…is that Holly comforting her? Ah, the age-old, I’ll blame one party for “cheating” but not the other person involved. Takes two to tango. Can’t wait to see how this falls apart!
Challenge
The house heads outside the next morning to see what challenge awaits them and apparently they walked in on a birth control commercial.
Too-tight attire, splashing in the water and over-the-top facial expressions…this cast will have zero problems fitting in with the synchronized swimmers. Girls vs guys and of course we get Kasey and Vienna touting their skills…again. If it’s anything like their strength (“We are in the best shape of our LIVES”-lost the first challenge) or throwing abilities (“I played baseball/softball all my life!”-lost the second challenge) then these two will be the ones drowning in the shallow end.
Well what do ya know…Vienna actually looked pretty good during this challenge. Realize that her performance was in comparison to a handful of others that resembled cats thrown into a bathtub, but still! End the performance with some gratuitous girl-on-girl action and that about does it for the ladies.
Guys have their shot and I think it’s safe to say my jaw was on the floor the ENTIRE performance.
The facial expressions, the perfectly placed arms and legs, the coordination…look out, Rockettes, the men of Bachelor Pad are comin’ for ya!
Dave Good and Natalie Getz (winners of BP 1) are guest judges and their votes were combined with a synchronized swimmer gold medalist votes to decide who was awarded a rose and date. Stag and Michelle (apparently Nat and the olympian digged the girl-on-girl kiss as much as Dave did) are the winners and will get to take 3 people on a date. Michelle picks Graham, Kasey and Blake. And in a shocking turn of events, Stag takes HOLLY!, Vienna and Ella.
Dates
Michelle and the guys head out to a vineyard…my favorite date so far. Michelle pulls Blake aside and gives him some MUCH needed advice on how to handle Melissa. Be honest, tell her you aren’t interested in her other than strategically and sleep with a knife under your pillow. Ok, I added that last part but she might as well have said that.
Michelle then pulls Graham aside to spill the beans to her crush and Graham shared her exact feelings. No, this isn’t the Bachelor or The Bachelorette. This is a game where people are focused on money and where some run from relationships. And that’s what Graham is doing. Instead of getting lovey-dovey he shot her down hard. Michelle…did you watch Graham’s season? Yeah, I’m not too shocked by this. Regardless, Graham needs to go watch some chick flicks and learn how to respond to a woman when she opens up. He said everything he should have said to her in his one-on-one interview. C’mon dude! Just tell it to her face! She’s gorgeous and amazing and funny. If that isn’t enough for someone what is?!
Stag and his girls go horseback riding (or attempt to) and all we hear (other than Vienna complaining) are Holly’s inner thoughts on how she shouldn’t be on the date. I will give Holly the benefit of the doubt and say that there is probably so much to their relationship that we all don’t know, but I don’t understand Holly’s position. We are constantly hearing how she thinks she shouldn’t be around Michael, how she hates seeing him want her and how she should distance herself from him. In this case, how is Holly any different from Blake? She knows she doesn’t want him (she says it multiple times) and she knows what she should do (tell him she only wants a strategic relationship) yet she can’t bring herself to say it. She’s playing the game just like Blake is and I have a feeling Michael is going to get burned.
It’s an engagement, I mean, promise ring
Vienna and Kasey celebrate their 6 month anniversary. It has only been SIX MONTHS?! Gah, I feel like these two have been in the public eye for 6 YEARS.
“What is that?! I don’t want it to be an engagement ring”
“It’s a promise ring.”
“Oh, OK!”
And as if the embarrassment of giving a girl a ring that didn’t want it wasn’t enough, Kasey decides to break out in song… his own, self-written song. And this is the reaction his ‘loving’ girlfriend gives him.
Yes, that’s laughter. I have no words, but apparently he can’t take a hint. Ali told him to stop with the singing, Vienna laughs, ALL OF AMERICA made fun of it. Every time I see him sing I get that same uneasy feeling in my stomach that occurs when the people who suck try out for American Idol. Don’t these people have any honest friends?!
After seeing these two interact more and more, I don’t quite understand why they are together. Kasey is still up for sainthood, in my opinion.
The Erica Show
I need to take a moment to recognize the underdog of this show. Erica Rose. Seriously. Can we keep her around forever? Her comments are freaking hilarious. Here’s just a snippet of the genius that is Erica Rose:
“I was thinking Jake could win this competition alone on the fact that he has a really big package.”
“I definitely have good lips…that I maintain…with getting injections every 6 months.”
“I don’t trust Melissa as far as I can throw her. And even though she’s really tiny, it’s not that far”
“I don’t think Vienna and Kasey are good people, they’re all about themselves…and they’re not even cute.”
Rose Ceremony
Everyone knows only one guy is going home and tensions are high as it comes down to Kasey and Jake. Everything sits in Kirk’s hands since he’s the final vote needed to send either man home. He has an alliance with Kasey yet knows for the game’s sake he should send him home. So what does he do? Well, we DON’T KNOW! Sweet editing move, ABC. It comes down to Jake and Kasey and as Chris Harrison says “Kasey” it cuts to black and we then get the mask dancing in the pool. We don’t know if he called Kasey’s name to tell him he got the rose, we don’t know if Chris was getting ready to make a statement like “Kasey, Jake…good luck,” we don’t know! AHH! I will tell ya, if Kirk failed miserably and sent home Jake, he should be left to sleep outside with the bees, exiled to be partners with Melissa, mauled by the stuffed animals in his father’s basement and should have all his clothing taken away other than his speedo.
We didn’t get any previews (booooo) so I don’t know what’s happening next week. Guess we will have to tune in to see! Worst.cliff hanger.ever.
Tune in to Bachelor Pad Beatdown tonight, Tuesday, 9pm EST, 6pm PST for more thoughts on this episode and uncensored humor from me and other cast members. See you then!
